It's been forever since I last posted... Sorry. I've been doing that head-in-the-sand thing that I do, the thing where I just barrel through my days thinking as little as possible and purposefully NOT reflecting because if I let myself think too much I know I'll get bogged down. The closer deployment looms, the more I want to throw my hands over my ears and shout, "LALALALALALA!!!! I'M NOT LISTENING!!!" As if reality needs my acknowledgement to exist. But there's a lot going on.
Today was my last day of work at the Bath and Body Works here. It's funny how stressed out my job was making me, until I gave notice: As soon as I knew there was an end in sight, suddenly I wanted nothing more than to stay indefinitely. It was so strange saying goodbye, clocking out for the last time, putting on my jacket and walking out, all knowing that I wouldn't be coming back. I almost cried. But even though I really enjoyed the work, and even more so the people I worked with, these last few weeks with Alex are far too precious to me to spend a single second of them anywhere but here at home. And I have so much to do.
The pre-deployment to-do list is my responsibility, and the most stressful part is the pressure. It's a big weight, knowing that our lives are going to be in my hands for most of this year. Right now Alex and I talk about everything together: neither of us makes decisions alone on anything. In a few short weeks, though, I'm going to be solely responsible for everything. He's not going to be available to give input, so I'll be on my own on everything from finances to where we live when he gets back. I'm really afraid that I'm going to forget something important until it's too late, and I'll be on my own trying to figure it out without him. I'm glad we have this week together with no work to get in the way to make as many preparations as possible. Already it looks like I might be stuck here longer than I planned the way our rent allotment works out. Apparently, if we want to move out mid-March, our rent program will charge us for April as well. In order to pay rent just through the end of March, we have to move out April 1st. I'm not sure how exactly that makes sense, but I know I was NOT happy to find out that in order to avoid another $1200 charge, I have to stick around here in an empty apartment without my husband for 3 weeks. But I'm sure we'll figure it out. Somehow.
On the bittersweet side, my marriage has blossomed even more under the shadow of separation. Where many couples I know or have heard of struggle with short tempers and distancing in the fact of being forced apart, Alex and I have found the opposite is true for us. He's been so incredibly sweet since he got back from this last underway. He bought me a new iPhone 4S so we can facetime while he's in port. He cleaned up the apartment while I was at work, just because I mentioned in passing that the mess was stressing me out. He took me to a jeweler to get a new wedding band custom designed to match my engagement ring so I have a beautiful reminder of his love while he's away. And every day he's been extra sweet, especially affectionate, and amazingly patient. I keep having little meltdowns, either tears at stupid stuff or stressed out snappishness at all the stuff left to do... but he's been understanding and comforting and absolutely wonderful pulling me out of my own head and making me forget that I'm absolutely coming apart at the seams. Which I am, when I let myself think about it. And I'm having nightmares even when I'm ok during the day, which is my biggest indicator that I'm subconsciously stretched thin. But when I'm with him, he makes everything ok. It's almost been like a honeymoon. Which now that I'm thinking about it makes me want to stamp my feet and pout and cry, "It's not fair!!!" I'd very much like to just skip the whole freakout and meltdown and get to the point that I've found my feet again... Come deployment, can I just check out until mid-May? That'd be awesome.
But enough of my pity party. I started going to a women's fitness boot camp 3 times a week with Amanda, and it's been awfully awesome. : P I mean literally, it's awful and awesome at the same time. I'm a HUGE wuss... probably the worst in the class. But I'm already feeling a huge improvement in my energy, and I've been buying healthy food and making healthier choices... I really feel like this might stick. It's not nearly as hard to make little lifestyle changes as I always though it would be, and I'm SO encouraged. So there's a little ray of sunshine in my increasingly stormy emotions as the days tick by. I feel better physically, and it's a nice motivation to get out and not totally shut down and waste what time I have left. It's good. And I'm proud of myself, which I haven't been much in a long while. Who knew everything everyone ever told me about the benefits of healthy activity is all true? Haha
Now I need to put my computer away, because I want to spend some time with Alex before I get too sleepy. I know tonight's been a rambling mess, but my brain is sort of a rambling mess at the moment. Hopefully I'll gain a little more stability after a good night's sleep. Tomorrow I officially have NOTHING to do except spend all day with Alex in my pajamas. The fridge is stocked, we have movies we haven't seen yet, and nothing on our to-do list can be addressed until Monday. I think a day together doing nothing is exactly what we both need. :) Thanks for bearing with me through the tangles in my head.
It's gotta be really tough to be away from your loved one so much. He also must really love what he does in order to sacrifice being away from you for all that time.
ReplyDeleteI know a little bit of how you feel, although not as much with the loved one being in the army part. I've been stressed out lately too though, and sometimes struggling to keep it together. But you keep going because you have to, and you enjoy the little blessings in life. And hopefully, things get better someday.
Thanks, Kaitlin. The military is certainly a mixed blessing. He does like his job, at least the actual work part of it. But it has always been our means of building our life. He joined the Navy when he realized that was the only way we'd be able to afford to get married and have a good life when we wanted to. Without it, we'd probably still both be going to college in separate states, or living in a tiny apartment working two jobs each and drowning in debt trying to finish school. He made this sacrifice so the two of us could be together and have a good foundation starting out. It's not easy, but it is helpful to know that without it we likely wouldn't be together even as much as we are. And thanks to his determination to provide, we're going to be able to have a house, money for me to finish school debt free, and money for us to start a family whenever we choose to after he gets back this fall. Mostly I find it INCREDIBLY frustrating when I want so badly to be strong for the both of us, but my emotions just won't cooperate and I end up a mess. I'll be back to mostly ok almost as soon as he leaves: it's the anticipation that's the worst. :/
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