It's been forever since I last posted... Sorry. I've been doing that head-in-the-sand thing that I do, the thing where I just barrel through my days thinking as little as possible and purposefully NOT reflecting because if I let myself think too much I know I'll get bogged down. The closer deployment looms, the more I want to throw my hands over my ears and shout, "LALALALALALA!!!! I'M NOT LISTENING!!!" As if reality needs my acknowledgement to exist. But there's a lot going on.
Today was my last day of work at the Bath and Body Works here. It's funny how stressed out my job was making me, until I gave notice: As soon as I knew there was an end in sight, suddenly I wanted nothing more than to stay indefinitely. It was so strange saying goodbye, clocking out for the last time, putting on my jacket and walking out, all knowing that I wouldn't be coming back. I almost cried. But even though I really enjoyed the work, and even more so the people I worked with, these last few weeks with Alex are far too precious to me to spend a single second of them anywhere but here at home. And I have so much to do.
The pre-deployment to-do list is my responsibility, and the most stressful part is the pressure. It's a big weight, knowing that our lives are going to be in my hands for most of this year. Right now Alex and I talk about everything together: neither of us makes decisions alone on anything. In a few short weeks, though, I'm going to be solely responsible for everything. He's not going to be available to give input, so I'll be on my own on everything from finances to where we live when he gets back. I'm really afraid that I'm going to forget something important until it's too late, and I'll be on my own trying to figure it out without him. I'm glad we have this week together with no work to get in the way to make as many preparations as possible. Already it looks like I might be stuck here longer than I planned the way our rent allotment works out. Apparently, if we want to move out mid-March, our rent program will charge us for April as well. In order to pay rent just through the end of March, we have to move out April 1st. I'm not sure how exactly that makes sense, but I know I was NOT happy to find out that in order to avoid another $1200 charge, I have to stick around here in an empty apartment without my husband for 3 weeks. But I'm sure we'll figure it out. Somehow.
On the bittersweet side, my marriage has blossomed even more under the shadow of separation. Where many couples I know or have heard of struggle with short tempers and distancing in the fact of being forced apart, Alex and I have found the opposite is true for us. He's been so incredibly sweet since he got back from this last underway. He bought me a new iPhone 4S so we can facetime while he's in port. He cleaned up the apartment while I was at work, just because I mentioned in passing that the mess was stressing me out. He took me to a jeweler to get a new wedding band custom designed to match my engagement ring so I have a beautiful reminder of his love while he's away. And every day he's been extra sweet, especially affectionate, and amazingly patient. I keep having little meltdowns, either tears at stupid stuff or stressed out snappishness at all the stuff left to do... but he's been understanding and comforting and absolutely wonderful pulling me out of my own head and making me forget that I'm absolutely coming apart at the seams. Which I am, when I let myself think about it. And I'm having nightmares even when I'm ok during the day, which is my biggest indicator that I'm subconsciously stretched thin. But when I'm with him, he makes everything ok. It's almost been like a honeymoon. Which now that I'm thinking about it makes me want to stamp my feet and pout and cry, "It's not fair!!!" I'd very much like to just skip the whole freakout and meltdown and get to the point that I've found my feet again... Come deployment, can I just check out until mid-May? That'd be awesome.
But enough of my pity party. I started going to a women's fitness boot camp 3 times a week with Amanda, and it's been awfully awesome. : P I mean literally, it's awful and awesome at the same time. I'm a HUGE wuss... probably the worst in the class. But I'm already feeling a huge improvement in my energy, and I've been buying healthy food and making healthier choices... I really feel like this might stick. It's not nearly as hard to make little lifestyle changes as I always though it would be, and I'm SO encouraged. So there's a little ray of sunshine in my increasingly stormy emotions as the days tick by. I feel better physically, and it's a nice motivation to get out and not totally shut down and waste what time I have left. It's good. And I'm proud of myself, which I haven't been much in a long while. Who knew everything everyone ever told me about the benefits of healthy activity is all true? Haha
Now I need to put my computer away, because I want to spend some time with Alex before I get too sleepy. I know tonight's been a rambling mess, but my brain is sort of a rambling mess at the moment. Hopefully I'll gain a little more stability after a good night's sleep. Tomorrow I officially have NOTHING to do except spend all day with Alex in my pajamas. The fridge is stocked, we have movies we haven't seen yet, and nothing on our to-do list can be addressed until Monday. I think a day together doing nothing is exactly what we both need. :) Thanks for bearing with me through the tangles in my head.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Spongebob is My Homie
I'm going to let you in on a secret: I'm not actually good with talking to people. Ok, well maybe sometimes. But after a little while in the retail business, I've found that some people have a gift of being able to walk up to anyone and start a perfectly natural conversation without hesitation or reluctance. I work with an amazing woman, a teacher, who has this gift and can talk ANYBODY into a sale. Beyond that, even, when the customer walks out our door, she know their name, their spouse's name, their kids names, and their life story. And they feel like they've made a new friend.
Man do I WISH I could be like that. Me, I get this crawly awkward feeling half the time I approach a customer, and the voice in my head is rambling about bothering people and being the creepy sales person who won't leave you alone, and then I start talking and I talk too fast or I get tongue tied and mush words together and it's just uncomfortable. Forced. Now I do a pretty good job of faking it, and most customers have no idea that I'm uncomfortable, and sometimes I really do alright without the subconscious self-sabotage. But a lot of the time when I'm walking up to someone to say, "Hi, can I help you?" I really want them to tell me to go away.
Then I have this other problem: On my good days, when I'm on a roll and my conversations are going well, I'm out of my own head and I'm actually enjoying my job and talking to people, sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my brain. I go into auto-sales mode, and I say dumb stuff like, "Hi ladies," because that's what I just said to the last group when actually I'm looking at a woman and her husband. Or I start to say one thing, but my brain is thinking something else, and I end up with some weird combination of the two differing trains of though that makes no sense, or worse, makes sense but means something weird. I had a moment like that yesterday.
It was a GREAT day: Alex came home yesterday morning, and I was walking on air to have him back. When I'm in a good mood, I work well, and we were scheduled to have a special event for Valentine's Day with lots of business and my favorite coworkers all lined up to work with me, so I came to work in a pretty upbeat mood. That's probably why I didn't freak out when my manager told me she had a special job for me for the event; and by special she meant exactly the worst job for me to be doing with my awkward don't-be-creepy-and-bother-people mentality. She made me that person out in the mall that you walk on the other side of the hallway, or pull out your cell phone for an imaginary conversation, or suddenly become fascinated with the ceiling or the floor or the opposite wall to avoid. She made me the "Would you like to try this?" girl. In a pink apron and a pink bow (blech), I stood outside the store with samples of our newest fragrance and shouted at passers by. I shamelessly tried to guilt guys into Valentine's Day purchases, enticed children with free ribbon bracelets, and called to people obviously trying to avoid my gaze... all in the name of doing my job well. I exchanged sympathizing looks with the kiosk girls getting the same treatment, and joked that we all needed "I promise I'm not creepy" t-shirts. But I was doing alright, minimally creepy and actually successfully luring customers in to shop, until I happened to see an African American family with a little boy wearing a Spongebob shirt.
Families with girls were easy, because the pink ribbons I was handing out brought them running. Getting moms with little boys over required a little more interaction on my part. I'd been thinking on my feet, dishing out compliments and waves and friendly greetings, but I saw that shirt and knew it was an opportunity. I bombed it. I pointed and said excitedly, "I LOVE your shirt! Spongebob is my..."
Now you know that moment I was talking about when your mind is going one direction and your mouth is somewhere else and something embarrassing comes out? I think my head was going for "Spongebob is awesome" while my mouth was more in the direction of "my favorite." Anyway, there was an imperceptible instant of confusion that I had no CLUE what I was saying, and somehow I spit out, "my HOMIE!"
Spongebob is my HOMIE? Oh, I did NOT just say that out loud for all the mall to hear. But I had. Here I was, a white woman in a pink apron handing out perfumed pink ribbons, declaring in a crowded mall hallway to a little black boy that I have a cartoon homie. Fantastic.
I think my face saved me, because even though I recovered quickly, his parents laughed at me instead of getting upset or offended. Or maybe it didn't sound as racist or offensive to them as it did to me as the words left my mouth. Maybe I was funny. I got a few mixed chuckles and weird looks from other shoppers, so I have no idea. They kept walking without stopping to talk to the creepy homie lady, which was fine with me. I kept doing my thing, and soon everyone who had heard the exchange had moved on to do their shopping. In the scope of the entire day, it was a tiny speed bump. Embarrassing, of course, but fleeting.
But that's what happens to me sometimes. Most people don't know, but I'm a socially awkward person pretending to be a confidant extrovert most of the time. That is, until something stupid like, "Spongebob is my homie!" slips out. Oh well.
Man do I WISH I could be like that. Me, I get this crawly awkward feeling half the time I approach a customer, and the voice in my head is rambling about bothering people and being the creepy sales person who won't leave you alone, and then I start talking and I talk too fast or I get tongue tied and mush words together and it's just uncomfortable. Forced. Now I do a pretty good job of faking it, and most customers have no idea that I'm uncomfortable, and sometimes I really do alright without the subconscious self-sabotage. But a lot of the time when I'm walking up to someone to say, "Hi, can I help you?" I really want them to tell me to go away.
Then I have this other problem: On my good days, when I'm on a roll and my conversations are going well, I'm out of my own head and I'm actually enjoying my job and talking to people, sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my brain. I go into auto-sales mode, and I say dumb stuff like, "Hi ladies," because that's what I just said to the last group when actually I'm looking at a woman and her husband. Or I start to say one thing, but my brain is thinking something else, and I end up with some weird combination of the two differing trains of though that makes no sense, or worse, makes sense but means something weird. I had a moment like that yesterday.
It was a GREAT day: Alex came home yesterday morning, and I was walking on air to have him back. When I'm in a good mood, I work well, and we were scheduled to have a special event for Valentine's Day with lots of business and my favorite coworkers all lined up to work with me, so I came to work in a pretty upbeat mood. That's probably why I didn't freak out when my manager told me she had a special job for me for the event; and by special she meant exactly the worst job for me to be doing with my awkward don't-be-creepy-and-bother-people mentality. She made me that person out in the mall that you walk on the other side of the hallway, or pull out your cell phone for an imaginary conversation, or suddenly become fascinated with the ceiling or the floor or the opposite wall to avoid. She made me the "Would you like to try this?" girl. In a pink apron and a pink bow (blech), I stood outside the store with samples of our newest fragrance and shouted at passers by. I shamelessly tried to guilt guys into Valentine's Day purchases, enticed children with free ribbon bracelets, and called to people obviously trying to avoid my gaze... all in the name of doing my job well. I exchanged sympathizing looks with the kiosk girls getting the same treatment, and joked that we all needed "I promise I'm not creepy" t-shirts. But I was doing alright, minimally creepy and actually successfully luring customers in to shop, until I happened to see an African American family with a little boy wearing a Spongebob shirt. 
Now you know that moment I was talking about when your mind is going one direction and your mouth is somewhere else and something embarrassing comes out? I think my head was going for "Spongebob is awesome" while my mouth was more in the direction of "my favorite." Anyway, there was an imperceptible instant of confusion that I had no CLUE what I was saying, and somehow I spit out, "my HOMIE!"
Spongebob is my HOMIE? Oh, I did NOT just say that out loud for all the mall to hear. But I had. Here I was, a white woman in a pink apron handing out perfumed pink ribbons, declaring in a crowded mall hallway to a little black boy that I have a cartoon homie. Fantastic.
I think my face saved me, because even though I recovered quickly, his parents laughed at me instead of getting upset or offended. Or maybe it didn't sound as racist or offensive to them as it did to me as the words left my mouth. Maybe I was funny. I got a few mixed chuckles and weird looks from other shoppers, so I have no idea. They kept walking without stopping to talk to the creepy homie lady, which was fine with me. I kept doing my thing, and soon everyone who had heard the exchange had moved on to do their shopping. In the scope of the entire day, it was a tiny speed bump. Embarrassing, of course, but fleeting.
But that's what happens to me sometimes. Most people don't know, but I'm a socially awkward person pretending to be a confidant extrovert most of the time. That is, until something stupid like, "Spongebob is my homie!" slips out. Oh well.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Uninteresting Ramblings
Today, I am sick. The nasty, gross, feels-like-my-head's-filled-with-cement kind of sick where I'm sneezing and coughing, my nose is running like crazy, and my face hurts because my sinuses are so stuffed up. Plus I can't breathe, so it's hard to sleep. YAY!!! Apparently, the person who gave it to the people who gave it to me (*cough* AMANDA AND LUCAS! *cough*) said she had this stupid cold for 2 weeks. And THAT means I'll be sick when Alex gets home! MORE YAY! So what should be a joyful reunion will more likely be exhausting, uncomfortable, and probably end up with BOTH of us sick and nasty. Because if I'm sick when he gets here, I REALLY don't think I'm going to be able to keep enough distance to keep him from getting it too. : / Gross.
But the good news is that I'm off work for the next few days. : ) I spent the night over at Amanda's with her and Lucas last night... that was pretty awesome. We spent last week painting her upstairs guest room over the garage (rehabilitating it after the last person to stay in that room nearly RUINED it with the worst paint job I've EVER seen), so I got to sleep in my own newly-painted guest quarters. It was pretty gratifying, using to space we worked so hard to polish. And of course it was nice not to be alone. Amanda is definitely my number one girl friend when Alex is gone... she and Lucas pretty much keep me sane when I have nothing to do and no one to talk to. Plus we get stuff done together! Today she helped me get Alex's car checked out because it was making a funny noise, and also get my own car cleaned and shampooed. She got her car cleaned up, and in the whole mix we had a great sushi lunch! Allover, it was a productive day, even though all three of us were stuffy and sniffly and gross. : P
Honestly, I don't really have anything interesting to say tonight. But I'm at home with just the cat, and even though she's talking enough for the both of us what with her nagging about me leaving her alone too much, I'm feeling the silence. So you guys get to hear what's up in Lizland. I'm sick, but ready for Alex to get home and excited about my time off of work. My life is so interesting and exciting, huh? Tomorrow's going to be just as interesting: I'll be picking up my car from the shop where it's getting brake work done, and then maybe some shopping. Or maybe cleaning. I haven't decided. Lemme tell you, I'm livin' it up here in Virginia Beach!
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| Not so bad if I do say so myself. : ) |
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| Baby streaker! Kind of. : P |
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| Bath night with two of my favorite people! I LOVE this pic. : D |
Honestly, I don't really have anything interesting to say tonight. But I'm at home with just the cat, and even though she's talking enough for the both of us what with her nagging about me leaving her alone too much, I'm feeling the silence. So you guys get to hear what's up in Lizland. I'm sick, but ready for Alex to get home and excited about my time off of work. My life is so interesting and exciting, huh? Tomorrow's going to be just as interesting: I'll be picking up my car from the shop where it's getting brake work done, and then maybe some shopping. Or maybe cleaning. I haven't decided. Lemme tell you, I'm livin' it up here in Virginia Beach!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Healthy Again!
So last night's post was... melodramatic. Sorry about that. This morning I'm feeling much better, both physically and emotionally, so I'm going to share a few of the more positive aspects of my life so no one thinks I'm all doom and gloom and emotional turmoil. I'm actually usually a pretty upbeat person. :P
One of the big things I'm planning to do while Alex is gone to pass the time and to keep myself happy is to change my eating habits and my lifestyle. Ultimately, the goal is to lose weight: And before you say, "You don't need to lose weight!" or "You look fine!" know that I am not fishing for compliments and I DO need to lose weight. I have always secretly loved my shape. I've had problem places that I haven't been happy about, but all in all I've been pretty pleased with my curves and where I carry my weight. When I wear the right clothes, I look great. But since I quit marching band in my junior year of high school, my lifestyle has become more and more sedentary while my eating habits have become more and more... gross. Fast food, carbs, fried foods, unhealthy sauces... I love food, and I've always eaten what I love, not necessarily what is good for me. I don't eat a huge amount of food, but my nutrition has been in the tank. All of these things combined, plus my horrible eating patterns-- nothing until at least noon, then dinner late, and usually food before bed too-- have added a little at a time, creeping the scale upward and upward through the past few years. If you don't believe me or think it isn't really that bad, I'm told a photo is worth a thousand words. Here's two:
In case you suck at math, that's 50 lbs. I'll say it again... 50 POUNDS. And that's not ok with me. I've spent a long time looking at myself in the mirror only at the angles that look good. I've been wearing clothes that hide the pudge and show off the parts that still look good. But when the numbers come out and the pictures are put side-by-side, there's just no excuse. I don't have kids. I work part time. There is NO reason I should look like I do, except laziness.
My "Virginia Beach Bestie", Amanda Jessen has embarked on a lifestyle change to lose 100 lbs. Her blog, 100 lbs or Bust!, and her daily journey to eat better and exercise more has been an inspiration to me, and I know that if she can do it, I can too! I'm not planning to do weekly weigh-ins (yet), but her influence already has my refrigerator full of healthy foods instead of the junk that I used to have. Or worse, the empty shelves that had me at fast food at least four nights a week. And I'm not unrealistic. I don't expect to look like I did when I was 15, or weigh 125 lbs again. I don't even have a weight goal. I want to fit comfortably in a size 6 again. That awesome blue dress in the picture is a size 4, so I know my body can be a size 6 again, healthily.
So that's the plan! I've already signed up for a boot camp with Amanda before I head home. In 2 weeks, I'll begin a 4 week, 12 session fitness class to get me jump started. I have plans to buy a bike, and I hope my dad will go with me to the greenway near our house, or the park to ride. : ) I'll be walking my mom's dogs, and using the treadmill at her house. And I'm eating healthier already! My breakfast this morning was a light and fit yogurt topped with fruit, almonds, and a half serving of corn flakes (because I don't like milk, but I do like cereal). And it looked almost as good as it tasted!
One of the big things I'm planning to do while Alex is gone to pass the time and to keep myself happy is to change my eating habits and my lifestyle. Ultimately, the goal is to lose weight: And before you say, "You don't need to lose weight!" or "You look fine!" know that I am not fishing for compliments and I DO need to lose weight. I have always secretly loved my shape. I've had problem places that I haven't been happy about, but all in all I've been pretty pleased with my curves and where I carry my weight. When I wear the right clothes, I look great. But since I quit marching band in my junior year of high school, my lifestyle has become more and more sedentary while my eating habits have become more and more... gross. Fast food, carbs, fried foods, unhealthy sauces... I love food, and I've always eaten what I love, not necessarily what is good for me. I don't eat a huge amount of food, but my nutrition has been in the tank. All of these things combined, plus my horrible eating patterns-- nothing until at least noon, then dinner late, and usually food before bed too-- have added a little at a time, creeping the scale upward and upward through the past few years. If you don't believe me or think it isn't really that bad, I'm told a photo is worth a thousand words. Here's two:
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| 2006 : I weighed 125 lbs |
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| 2011 : I peaked at 176 lbs |
My "Virginia Beach Bestie", Amanda Jessen has embarked on a lifestyle change to lose 100 lbs. Her blog, 100 lbs or Bust!, and her daily journey to eat better and exercise more has been an inspiration to me, and I know that if she can do it, I can too! I'm not planning to do weekly weigh-ins (yet), but her influence already has my refrigerator full of healthy foods instead of the junk that I used to have. Or worse, the empty shelves that had me at fast food at least four nights a week. And I'm not unrealistic. I don't expect to look like I did when I was 15, or weigh 125 lbs again. I don't even have a weight goal. I want to fit comfortably in a size 6 again. That awesome blue dress in the picture is a size 4, so I know my body can be a size 6 again, healthily.
So that's the plan! I've already signed up for a boot camp with Amanda before I head home. In 2 weeks, I'll begin a 4 week, 12 session fitness class to get me jump started. I have plans to buy a bike, and I hope my dad will go with me to the greenway near our house, or the park to ride. : ) I'll be walking my mom's dogs, and using the treadmill at her house. And I'm eating healthier already! My breakfast this morning was a light and fit yogurt topped with fruit, almonds, and a half serving of corn flakes (because I don't like milk, but I do like cereal). And it looked almost as good as it tasted!
And the part I'm looking forward to the most is getting to do it while Alex is gone. I'm going to have tons of time on my hands, and I have great motivation! I'm SO looking forward to the day he gets home from deployment and sees the girl he fell in love with when he was 16 standing on the pier waiting for him like nothing has changed. The first week he's gone, I have a shopping trip to make: I'm going out to buy the hottest red cocktail dress I can find. Something satin and sexy and perfect for a welcome-home date... in a size 6. There's already a place on the wall of my bedroom in Atlanta that has room for a peg for that dress. I'll see it every day, and that's going to be what I'm aiming for. I'm doing it for Alex, and I'm doing it for me, and I can't wait to get where I'm going!
Friday, February 3, 2012
An Overdramatic Freakout Over an Imaginary Problem
I know it's been a long time since I've posted. It's funny: In high school, I wrote about EVERYTHING. One summer I penned an entire book full of letters to Alex while we were apart, complete with pictures, applicable quotes and song lyrics, and at least 2-3 notes per day about every insignificant detail of my life without him. Now that I'm an adult, I find myself purposefully not writing in times of greatest stress. I put my head down and push through, as if being as busy as possible and keeping my head in the sand will get me through it. It's almost the same sensation as swimming the length of a swimming pool without coming up for air... the harder it gets, the more my desperation to push through without stopping, without thinking, without coming up for air. So I'm trying to get used to this whole regular posting thing, and it's more complicated juggling emails to Alex and my personal journal as well. Usually by the time I send something off to my husband, I'm all worn out. But today has been a sick day for me, and I've spent most of my day watching movies and feeling sorry for myself for being sick on my day off. And of course, on days when I'm forced to take it slow and watch romantic comedies and tear-jearking dramas all day, I end up thinking about the stuff that I'm usually running hard to avoid.
Today my focus fell on something my mom said to me while I was home. "I hate to see you so dependent on another person to be happy," she told me as I sobbed over some facet of life without my husband.
Now if you don't know my mother, sharing this risks making her sound callous, which she is absolutely not. She doesn't always know the perfect thing to say: she's a little blunt and black and white sometimes. But she loves me fiercely, and she has always been very much concerned that I be a well-rounded, happy person. As I get older, I understand that what often sounds like criticism from her is actually driven from a desperate desire to protect me and guide me toward health and happiness. She has ever only wanted the best for me, and to help me avoid the heartaches she knows are out there. And of course, with our family history being what it is, I'm sure she worries about how my relationship with my husband might be effected by the tragic implosion of her own marriage. She said this because she firmly -- and I think rightly -- believes that if you cannot be happy by yourself, you cannot be truly happy with someone else.
But I can't help feeling that the point isn't as applicable when your spouse is gone for huge chunks of your life, like in the military. (Now, bear with me, because I really don't mean for this to be a Navy sob-story. There's a larger point to this, and I'll get to it soon.) Your spouse should be your best friend. You plan your lives together, make your decisions together, enjoy the little quirks of being around each other, and as you grow together they become your other half. Alex has always been the first person I turn to when I have something to share, something to discuss, something to laugh about, or a shoulder to cry on. He's the very first person I want to talk to and share everything in my life with. And when that person, the one you've centered your whole routine and habits and emotional stability around is suddenly removed, you grieve. It's natural. In a normal circumstance, that kind of sudden and total absence might be a break up, or a death, and it would cause tremendous grief that you would have to work through to heal. But the problem with the military is that even though you know that person is going to come home again when you say goodbye and the ship pulls out, it feels the same. You still have to deal with that huge gaping hole in your life where that person used to be. It feels like they've died. You have a bad day or something terrible happens, and your first response is that you want to talk to your spouse. But you can't. You can't call them. You can email, but you probably won't get anything back for days... you have the same thought and immediate let-down as if that person were entirely gone from your life. They can't provide the support and everyday role a spouse is meant to.
And yet, at the same time, they aren't entirely gone. If someone you loved died, the natural process of grief ends in eventual acceptance and healing. You never forget someone you loved, but you find ways to fill the hole they left behind, and carry their memory into your new life without them. You learn to let them go... but obviously, not when they're going to come back. When you're faced with being apart for so long, with so little contact, you've ended up in a horrible catch-22. There's a huge, aching void where they used to be. Your confidant, your partner, and your soul mate has been ripped out of your life... but you can't fill their place. You have to hold it open and keep that space vacant for them so it's waiting when they get back. The whole emotional process itself is brutally painful. I find myself bouncing back and forth: bad days, I miss him so much I want to curl up on the couch huddled in a ball, holding myself together because I feel like there's a physical hole in my chest. And then there are the good days: the ones that I'm so busy and so happy that when I realize that I didn't miss him all day, I feel horrifically guilty. Not to mention the ever-looming battle to jealously guard his place against inappropriate emotional replacements. It's exhausting, finding the right balance between holding his place open and not living my life on hold, in mourning, waiting for the day he can step back into his role. And I'm terrified that I'm not doing it right.
On the bad days, I feel pathetic. I hate being so "dependent," as my mom called it, on Alex to be a stable human being. I feel like it's sad, that my situation isn't nearly as bad as it could be, and here I am crying like a kid who misses its blanket. He's not dead. His job isn't even that dangerous, comparatively speaking, and it's not like we NEVER get to talk. I get angry with myself, and wonder how I could possibly be doing this marriage thing right if I'm such a mess when he's gone for just a month. Maybe I am clingy and pathetic and have no life of my own. For that reason I'm going to be looking for some good volunteer opportunities while he's gone for deployment, and to go back to school in the fall. I need some purpose and direction to make me a stronger person, to feel more balanced and less like Alex is my whole reason for existing. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy. And I'm working on it... like I said, those are the bad days, when the demons all come out and I'm feeling much worse about myself than I deserve. Most days I give myself more credit. I don't think I'm COMPLETELY co-dependent.
But the good days have their low points too. I struggle a LOT with guilt. I feel guilty when things are good, and I find myself not feeling his absence so keenly. I know that he would want me to be happy, and would hate the idea of me being a mess all the time while he's away. But I'm worried that somehow I'm dishonoring him if I don't miss him terribly. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, to be honest. I know many people who look down on couples who cling desperately to each other, and believe that space and individuality are absolutely necessary to keep a relationship healthy and happy. But I don't know that many people who feel that way who are also in loving, happy, committed relationships that have stood the test of time. Actually, I can count on one hand the number of marriages I'm close to that I admire. That terrifies me. How am I supposed to be a good wife when I don't know how I'm supposed to feel when my husband is gone? Am I supposed to be strong, and happy, and ok, while still being the wife he deserves? Am I denying my husband his due by NOT missing him? Or am I pathetic when I'm a mess, and pitiable that I can't handle life without a man to turn to?
If I'm being honest, most days are the days I miss him, and I'm just going going going going trying not to think about it. And I don't know if that's right or not. But that's the reality of it. And even when he's here, I struggle every day trying to figure out if what I'm feeling and how I'm acting is "right." I want so desperately to get it right. I want to give Alex everything he deserves, because he's an amazing person. And he's such a wonderful husband. Our last phone conversation he talked all about his plans for our financial future with such enthusiasm, all because he's trying to provide for me. He had found the book I'd recently read about finances, then gone and worked out a whole plan based on things I'd said to him in passing and what he'd read on my recommendation. The longer we're together, the more I realize that he is naturally an amazing and loving provider, and I want to be an equally amazing wife. But I feel like I'm floundering, because I have such a fuzzy idea of what things are supposed to be.
Like I said: I think the time is right for me to find a steady volunteer job in ATL to keep me balanced while Alex is gone. I'll have close girl friends and family to help hold Alex's place until he's back. And most days, if I keep busy and keep in touch with him as best I can, will be good days that will go by quickly. When things are bad, I find myself searching for that terrifying, unknown, and unforeseeable THING that will ruin my marriage; because so many marriages end, all around I see heartache, and obviously people don't get married when they can put a finger on the problem that will eventually cause divorce... But then again I realize that we AREN'T most people. We've survived so many difficulties, and me just second-guessing myself and searching for something that isn't there doesn't help either of us. I don't know if I sound crazy or over-analytical, but I wonder if I'm the only one who struggles like this, over seemingly nothing. Maybe I'm just weird. Anyway, I'm sure a good night's sleep will make everything look better in the morning. It always does.
Today my focus fell on something my mom said to me while I was home. "I hate to see you so dependent on another person to be happy," she told me as I sobbed over some facet of life without my husband.
Now if you don't know my mother, sharing this risks making her sound callous, which she is absolutely not. She doesn't always know the perfect thing to say: she's a little blunt and black and white sometimes. But she loves me fiercely, and she has always been very much concerned that I be a well-rounded, happy person. As I get older, I understand that what often sounds like criticism from her is actually driven from a desperate desire to protect me and guide me toward health and happiness. She has ever only wanted the best for me, and to help me avoid the heartaches she knows are out there. And of course, with our family history being what it is, I'm sure she worries about how my relationship with my husband might be effected by the tragic implosion of her own marriage. She said this because she firmly -- and I think rightly -- believes that if you cannot be happy by yourself, you cannot be truly happy with someone else.
But I can't help feeling that the point isn't as applicable when your spouse is gone for huge chunks of your life, like in the military. (Now, bear with me, because I really don't mean for this to be a Navy sob-story. There's a larger point to this, and I'll get to it soon.) Your spouse should be your best friend. You plan your lives together, make your decisions together, enjoy the little quirks of being around each other, and as you grow together they become your other half. Alex has always been the first person I turn to when I have something to share, something to discuss, something to laugh about, or a shoulder to cry on. He's the very first person I want to talk to and share everything in my life with. And when that person, the one you've centered your whole routine and habits and emotional stability around is suddenly removed, you grieve. It's natural. In a normal circumstance, that kind of sudden and total absence might be a break up, or a death, and it would cause tremendous grief that you would have to work through to heal. But the problem with the military is that even though you know that person is going to come home again when you say goodbye and the ship pulls out, it feels the same. You still have to deal with that huge gaping hole in your life where that person used to be. It feels like they've died. You have a bad day or something terrible happens, and your first response is that you want to talk to your spouse. But you can't. You can't call them. You can email, but you probably won't get anything back for days... you have the same thought and immediate let-down as if that person were entirely gone from your life. They can't provide the support and everyday role a spouse is meant to.
And yet, at the same time, they aren't entirely gone. If someone you loved died, the natural process of grief ends in eventual acceptance and healing. You never forget someone you loved, but you find ways to fill the hole they left behind, and carry their memory into your new life without them. You learn to let them go... but obviously, not when they're going to come back. When you're faced with being apart for so long, with so little contact, you've ended up in a horrible catch-22. There's a huge, aching void where they used to be. Your confidant, your partner, and your soul mate has been ripped out of your life... but you can't fill their place. You have to hold it open and keep that space vacant for them so it's waiting when they get back. The whole emotional process itself is brutally painful. I find myself bouncing back and forth: bad days, I miss him so much I want to curl up on the couch huddled in a ball, holding myself together because I feel like there's a physical hole in my chest. And then there are the good days: the ones that I'm so busy and so happy that when I realize that I didn't miss him all day, I feel horrifically guilty. Not to mention the ever-looming battle to jealously guard his place against inappropriate emotional replacements. It's exhausting, finding the right balance between holding his place open and not living my life on hold, in mourning, waiting for the day he can step back into his role. And I'm terrified that I'm not doing it right.
On the bad days, I feel pathetic. I hate being so "dependent," as my mom called it, on Alex to be a stable human being. I feel like it's sad, that my situation isn't nearly as bad as it could be, and here I am crying like a kid who misses its blanket. He's not dead. His job isn't even that dangerous, comparatively speaking, and it's not like we NEVER get to talk. I get angry with myself, and wonder how I could possibly be doing this marriage thing right if I'm such a mess when he's gone for just a month. Maybe I am clingy and pathetic and have no life of my own. For that reason I'm going to be looking for some good volunteer opportunities while he's gone for deployment, and to go back to school in the fall. I need some purpose and direction to make me a stronger person, to feel more balanced and less like Alex is my whole reason for existing. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy. And I'm working on it... like I said, those are the bad days, when the demons all come out and I'm feeling much worse about myself than I deserve. Most days I give myself more credit. I don't think I'm COMPLETELY co-dependent.
But the good days have their low points too. I struggle a LOT with guilt. I feel guilty when things are good, and I find myself not feeling his absence so keenly. I know that he would want me to be happy, and would hate the idea of me being a mess all the time while he's away. But I'm worried that somehow I'm dishonoring him if I don't miss him terribly. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, to be honest. I know many people who look down on couples who cling desperately to each other, and believe that space and individuality are absolutely necessary to keep a relationship healthy and happy. But I don't know that many people who feel that way who are also in loving, happy, committed relationships that have stood the test of time. Actually, I can count on one hand the number of marriages I'm close to that I admire. That terrifies me. How am I supposed to be a good wife when I don't know how I'm supposed to feel when my husband is gone? Am I supposed to be strong, and happy, and ok, while still being the wife he deserves? Am I denying my husband his due by NOT missing him? Or am I pathetic when I'm a mess, and pitiable that I can't handle life without a man to turn to?
If I'm being honest, most days are the days I miss him, and I'm just going going going going trying not to think about it. And I don't know if that's right or not. But that's the reality of it. And even when he's here, I struggle every day trying to figure out if what I'm feeling and how I'm acting is "right." I want so desperately to get it right. I want to give Alex everything he deserves, because he's an amazing person. And he's such a wonderful husband. Our last phone conversation he talked all about his plans for our financial future with such enthusiasm, all because he's trying to provide for me. He had found the book I'd recently read about finances, then gone and worked out a whole plan based on things I'd said to him in passing and what he'd read on my recommendation. The longer we're together, the more I realize that he is naturally an amazing and loving provider, and I want to be an equally amazing wife. But I feel like I'm floundering, because I have such a fuzzy idea of what things are supposed to be.
Like I said: I think the time is right for me to find a steady volunteer job in ATL to keep me balanced while Alex is gone. I'll have close girl friends and family to help hold Alex's place until he's back. And most days, if I keep busy and keep in touch with him as best I can, will be good days that will go by quickly. When things are bad, I find myself searching for that terrifying, unknown, and unforeseeable THING that will ruin my marriage; because so many marriages end, all around I see heartache, and obviously people don't get married when they can put a finger on the problem that will eventually cause divorce... But then again I realize that we AREN'T most people. We've survived so many difficulties, and me just second-guessing myself and searching for something that isn't there doesn't help either of us. I don't know if I sound crazy or over-analytical, but I wonder if I'm the only one who struggles like this, over seemingly nothing. Maybe I'm just weird. Anyway, I'm sure a good night's sleep will make everything look better in the morning. It always does.
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