The chance that maybe we'll find better days

One day at a time, I'm still breathing. The past couple of days have been getting better, and I'm starting to realize that part of my struggle is my own stupid fault. I really really HATE being messed up and miserable over Alex being gone. I mean, obviously, no one is happy to be miserable, but when I fall apart, I get mad. Every part of me rebels against the weakness, and I get so angry and frustrated that I'm not strong enough to hold it together. In my head, being a mess is such a waste: of time, of energy, of emotion, and it doesn't help anything. My husband is still just as absent whether I'm happy and enjoying myself or an inconsolable wreck. I'm beginning to realize, though, that by being angry with myself and trying to force myself NOT to be upset even when I am, I'm shooting myself in the foot. It's not going to be easy to change, because I can't even describe how much I detest falling apart. I hate feeling weak, and I hate feeling selfish and pitiable when my life is REALLY not so bad. But I can't be so hard on myself. I have to just let myself feel what I feel and let these things run their course. Like extracting a poison, or emptying out the trash, I have to have some time to be able to siphon off these awful feelings so they stop collecting and collecting and eventually bursting the damn and ruining my life with their bad timing. I had a meltdown in the middle of a good day with my best friend, and I was lucky that she's so insightful and wise that she helped me get through it. Still, I don't want that to happen at work, or in public. Since then, I've toyed around with the idea of scheduling meltdowns. It sounds kind of silly, but I think it might actually sort of work. I know I'm not the only one who has a tendency to sit around and watch movies I know will make me cry, or listen to music that reminds me of Alex and that I know will bring on the waterworks. I've been trying NOT to do that this time, thinking I was being strong by not being pathetic and wallowing. But I'm starting to think that maybe some of that in moderation would be healthy: To give myself time to grieve, and be ok with being a mess during acceptable times. It's going to take a mental adjustment, and I'm going to have to accept the fact that sometimes it's alright to sit at home alone and cry instead of filling my time with so much that I'm never alone. I have to accept that I need alone time more often now than I ever did before. And as long as I'm doing that in a healthy way, a way that makes my time with other people more more fun and enjoyable, being reclusive and sad sometimes isn't a sign that I'm a pathetic person who can't function without her husband. That's what I'm really afraid of. I don't want to be so much a half of a person that I can't live without him. I don't want to be disgusted with myself. But instead of changing my feelings, I'm starting to think that means I need to start forgiving myself for the weakness.

The cat and I send our love :P

The good news is, I have had a few things that have helped pull me up this week. I finished packing up another box for Alex, and this one has been fun. The last one made me miserable... handing over a package full of things he forgot and wishing desperately to be able to just go with it put me in to a pretty deep funk. But this isn't full of stuff we bought together and then forgot, or things I know he's missing and having a hard time without. This one is full of stuff specifically picked out to make him smile: Play Dough, Silly Putty, a bunch of games, a rubber rat and spider, three novels I know he's looking forward to, a book of puzzles, a whoopie cushion, some cold packs for the days it's unbearably hot, and a few 5-hour energy shots. I'm also printing up pictures of me and stuff going on here, and writing a handwritten letter for him to be able to read whenever he wants. I'm really excited to send this one, and eager for him to get it. I really hope it helps the boredom and loneliness I know he's dealing with.

Not even sucking in my stomach!

The other nice boost was the number on the scale yesterday. I've officially lost 20lbs since my last doctor's visit in November. I'm down to 156.5lbs! I can hardly believe it... After hearing so much about how weight loss is hard, I thought losing 20lbs would be a mountainous feat. I thought it would take blood, sweat, tears, and LOTS of hard work. I had no idea how much my admittedly horrific nutrition and almost completely sedentary lifestyle was affecting my weight. As easy as it was to creep up the scale by eating badly, it's been just as easy to creep down the scale by eating better. And not perfectly! Just better than I was. Not treating veggies like the plague. Getting up and around and out of the house at least 6 days a week. It's been INSANELY easy. I'm not where I want to be yet... I know that if I started exercising, I'd be looking a lot better. But the fact that I could put on a small t-shirt today that I haven't worn in 3 years and wear it out of the house without feeling self-conscious was HUGE. I'm planning to get a bike sometime soon, and I'm hoping exercise pushes me even further toward that goal of being high-school skinny again by the time Alex comes home!

I've also had a few projects to keep my spirits up. Nothing huge, but I finally finished my room after my desk arrived. I love everything about it, and I'm sorry I can't just pick the whole room up and take it to Virginia when I go back. I spent the other day picking out my favorite photos to finish hanging on the walls, and surrounding myself with good memories of all my closest family and friends was wonderful. I now have a whole wall over my bed with my favorite photos of my favorite people, and it makes me smile every time I'm in here. I also helped my brother move out of his dorm today, which was pretty cool. It's hard to believe he's so old! And I'M so old! Remembering how much time has passed since high school, and how fast the college years are flying by makes me feel better, because no matter how much a mess I am right now, I've come a long way emotionally and my life is so much more stable and happy than it was a few years ago. Looking back is a good way for me to gain some perspective.

I'm in love with this wall. :D

All in all, I'm coping. I'm still searching for that perfect balance, and trying hard not to be too frustrated in the process. I'm too much of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my emotional health. I'm learning to let go of the idea that I have to be perfectly in control, perfectly balanced, and perfectly emotionally stable all the time right now.... but it's a slow process. I'm lucky to have some really fantastic friends and family on my side, forgiving me and reminding me of these things when I'm too wrapped up in my own stuff to see clearly myself. It's a work in progress... but at least I'm moving forward. : )