The past two days have been a lesson in what exactly it means to be a "Navy wife." I don't intend for this to be a Navy wife themed blog, because frankly my life is more than that and I don't know nearly enough about ANYTHING to pretend to be an expert. But it would also be absolutely ridiculous for me to ignore that facet of my life, because whether I like it or not, that's what I am. You don't spend weeks and months apart from your spouse and have your whole life directed by the government without it shaping your life and your decisions and especially your emotions. So here's the Navy stress: Alex is out at sea. Now there are rules about what I can know, what I can say, and ESPECIALLY what I can post online about the Navy, and in particular ship movements, dates, and times. It's a harsh reality, but there are many people and organizations out there that want my husband and every other service member on that ship dead. I'm going to do my best not to help them out. But what you need to know to understand this post is that he's gone. This isn't supposed to be a particularly long separation in the grand scheme of things, but because we're fast coming up on a much longer deployment, this time apart has already been stressful for me. The weight of that longer time has overshadowed this trip. That's the normal Navy stress, and I'm getting used to it.Now for the background for the NEW and BIGGER Navy stress: With any underway we're reminded that these men and women are first and foremost members of the military. If somewhere in the world there is a crisis, or something in the political climate of the globe comes to a head, it is the duty of the ship and all its crew to go do the service they are employed to do: be the "Big Stick." The carriers are sent out as a show of power, a source of inspiration, and a reminder to both our allies and enemies of what our country is capable of. The sailors are reminded before they leave, "Pack like this is deployment," because at any moment, they may be needed. This is especially true if they happen to be out at sea, able to respond, and already close to a deployment when political unrest arises. You can imagine my distress, then, when the news headlines in the past few days have declared that the United States is on the verge of reigning in Iran on their threats about closing off trade. One quick quote from a major station on Sunday morning stated only, "President orders Enterprise to Persian Gulf." No dates, no specific details, nothing to say WHEN. Or more importantly to me, if my husband is coming back before his scheduled deployment, or if the goodbyes I said a few weeks ago are going to have to last for most of the year. A quick call around and check of Facebook confirmed what I already knew: no one else I know who has a loved one on the ship knows anything, or has heard from their sailor. It's all speculation. This person says there's no way they'll not come back. This news station has an article declaring that the planned deployment will last around... *panic attack*... more than a year and a half. All the comments on all the forums and articles are a mix of navy wives panicking over dates that are FAR exaggerated beyond what we were told or expected, or worse, the doomsayer conspiracy nuts. My friend found quite a few comments along the lines of, "Well, they needed to decommission the Enterprise anyway. Now they have a perfect way. Iran says they'll sink any warship that goes through the straight: fine! Now we have an excuse to put them in their place AND the government doesn't have to pay to tear down the ship." Or worse, "If Iran doesn't blow it up, we will and blame it on them so we can enter another bull**** war! It'll be Pearl Harbor all over!" I stopped reading. Nothing online or in the news will have the hope I'm desperate for, and people like that make me angry, embarrassed for my country, and remind me that not all the people my husband is willing to die for are equally deserving of his sacrifice.
I know that if plans change, I'll hear about it eventually. Somehow. Amanda (fellow Enterprise wife and close friend) joked that if we show up to pick up our boys and the ship isn't there, then maybe they aren't coming back. But that's the truth of it. The price of keeping our loved ones save is sacrificing our own peace of mind knowing where they are and when they may be coming home. After a few days of coming to terms with that, I'm surprisingly calm... maybe I'm in denial. I don't quite believe they won't come back. There have been MANY times in my few years of Navy experience that storms have loomed on the horizon and I've wasted hours of tears and angst only to have it blow over or dissipate or change again and be completely different than I've feared. If I spent time worrying about every possible problem that might arise as the spouse of someone serving in our armed forces, I'd lose my mind. But I do wish I could get a phone call. Aside from my own fears, there's a picture in my mind of what it might be from Alex's point of view. If he knew that he weren't going to come home, he'd be devastated. And I know he'd be pulling out his hair and clawing the walls not being able to tell me, or talk to me. As much as I lean on him for support and encouragement, he leans on me. And being cut off from each other, neither knowing what the other knows, not being able to share information, encouragement, or words of love... that's really hard. I'll be ok. And Alex will be ok. We'll all be ok, but this bump has definitely reminded me that just when I've got a handle on this whole Navy life, I get a curve ball. Life is supposed to be steady and stable, right? *smirk* Not exactly.
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