The chance that maybe we'll find better days

One day at a time, I'm still breathing. The past couple of days have been getting better, and I'm starting to realize that part of my struggle is my own stupid fault. I really really HATE being messed up and miserable over Alex being gone. I mean, obviously, no one is happy to be miserable, but when I fall apart, I get mad. Every part of me rebels against the weakness, and I get so angry and frustrated that I'm not strong enough to hold it together. In my head, being a mess is such a waste: of time, of energy, of emotion, and it doesn't help anything. My husband is still just as absent whether I'm happy and enjoying myself or an inconsolable wreck. I'm beginning to realize, though, that by being angry with myself and trying to force myself NOT to be upset even when I am, I'm shooting myself in the foot. It's not going to be easy to change, because I can't even describe how much I detest falling apart. I hate feeling weak, and I hate feeling selfish and pitiable when my life is REALLY not so bad. But I can't be so hard on myself. I have to just let myself feel what I feel and let these things run their course. Like extracting a poison, or emptying out the trash, I have to have some time to be able to siphon off these awful feelings so they stop collecting and collecting and eventually bursting the damn and ruining my life with their bad timing. I had a meltdown in the middle of a good day with my best friend, and I was lucky that she's so insightful and wise that she helped me get through it. Still, I don't want that to happen at work, or in public. Since then, I've toyed around with the idea of scheduling meltdowns. It sounds kind of silly, but I think it might actually sort of work. I know I'm not the only one who has a tendency to sit around and watch movies I know will make me cry, or listen to music that reminds me of Alex and that I know will bring on the waterworks. I've been trying NOT to do that this time, thinking I was being strong by not being pathetic and wallowing. But I'm starting to think that maybe some of that in moderation would be healthy: To give myself time to grieve, and be ok with being a mess during acceptable times. It's going to take a mental adjustment, and I'm going to have to accept the fact that sometimes it's alright to sit at home alone and cry instead of filling my time with so much that I'm never alone. I have to accept that I need alone time more often now than I ever did before. And as long as I'm doing that in a healthy way, a way that makes my time with other people more more fun and enjoyable, being reclusive and sad sometimes isn't a sign that I'm a pathetic person who can't function without her husband. That's what I'm really afraid of. I don't want to be so much a half of a person that I can't live without him. I don't want to be disgusted with myself. But instead of changing my feelings, I'm starting to think that means I need to start forgiving myself for the weakness.

The cat and I send our love :P

The good news is, I have had a few things that have helped pull me up this week. I finished packing up another box for Alex, and this one has been fun. The last one made me miserable... handing over a package full of things he forgot and wishing desperately to be able to just go with it put me in to a pretty deep funk. But this isn't full of stuff we bought together and then forgot, or things I know he's missing and having a hard time without. This one is full of stuff specifically picked out to make him smile: Play Dough, Silly Putty, a bunch of games, a rubber rat and spider, three novels I know he's looking forward to, a book of puzzles, a whoopie cushion, some cold packs for the days it's unbearably hot, and a few 5-hour energy shots. I'm also printing up pictures of me and stuff going on here, and writing a handwritten letter for him to be able to read whenever he wants. I'm really excited to send this one, and eager for him to get it. I really hope it helps the boredom and loneliness I know he's dealing with.

Not even sucking in my stomach!

The other nice boost was the number on the scale yesterday. I've officially lost 20lbs since my last doctor's visit in November. I'm down to 156.5lbs! I can hardly believe it... After hearing so much about how weight loss is hard, I thought losing 20lbs would be a mountainous feat. I thought it would take blood, sweat, tears, and LOTS of hard work. I had no idea how much my admittedly horrific nutrition and almost completely sedentary lifestyle was affecting my weight. As easy as it was to creep up the scale by eating badly, it's been just as easy to creep down the scale by eating better. And not perfectly! Just better than I was. Not treating veggies like the plague. Getting up and around and out of the house at least 6 days a week. It's been INSANELY easy. I'm not where I want to be yet... I know that if I started exercising, I'd be looking a lot better. But the fact that I could put on a small t-shirt today that I haven't worn in 3 years and wear it out of the house without feeling self-conscious was HUGE. I'm planning to get a bike sometime soon, and I'm hoping exercise pushes me even further toward that goal of being high-school skinny again by the time Alex comes home!

I've also had a few projects to keep my spirits up. Nothing huge, but I finally finished my room after my desk arrived. I love everything about it, and I'm sorry I can't just pick the whole room up and take it to Virginia when I go back. I spent the other day picking out my favorite photos to finish hanging on the walls, and surrounding myself with good memories of all my closest family and friends was wonderful. I now have a whole wall over my bed with my favorite photos of my favorite people, and it makes me smile every time I'm in here. I also helped my brother move out of his dorm today, which was pretty cool. It's hard to believe he's so old! And I'M so old! Remembering how much time has passed since high school, and how fast the college years are flying by makes me feel better, because no matter how much a mess I am right now, I've come a long way emotionally and my life is so much more stable and happy than it was a few years ago. Looking back is a good way for me to gain some perspective.

I'm in love with this wall. :D

All in all, I'm coping. I'm still searching for that perfect balance, and trying hard not to be too frustrated in the process. I'm too much of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my emotional health. I'm learning to let go of the idea that I have to be perfectly in control, perfectly balanced, and perfectly emotionally stable all the time right now.... but it's a slow process. I'm lucky to have some really fantastic friends and family on my side, forgiving me and reminding me of these things when I'm too wrapped up in my own stuff to see clearly myself. It's a work in progress... but at least I'm moving forward. : )

If today I don't see your face...

 "I love you more than I did before,

And if today I don't see your face,

 Nothing's changed, 

No one could take your place.

 It gets harder every day.

Say you love me more than you did before,

And I'm sorry that it's this way.

But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home,

And if you ask me,

I will stay."

Alex is in port!!!! These weeks are SO crazy for me... my emotions are everywhere. I feel like a super ball thrown against a wall in a small room. I'm ecstatic I get to see his face and talk longer than usual. I'm anxious and nervous waiting for him to get in touch. I'm filled with longing wishing I could reach through the screen to touch him, and I'm frustrated that I can't ever think of the right things to say and I end up just staring like an idiot. And half the time I'm elated buy the frequent talks and the sight of him, and the other half of the time I'm crushed. Seeing him keenly reminds me of how lonely I am and how much I miss him. I lose it after hanging up, and I struggle sometimes even to hold it together while we're talking. It's so frustrating to be getting emotional whiplash, all the while the very fleeting time that he's going to be in port is ticking away. I wish I could just appreciate it without all the chaos in my heart. Yesterday, I was over the moon thinking about getting all day on Thursday to talk to him while he has overnight leave. And tonight, I have this awful sinking realization that I'm just going to have the one day, and I'm going to be looking at him on a tiny screen... And all I want is for him to be here. Or me there. I want to touch him. So instead of enjoying my time, I'm afraid I'll be fighting not to completely break down over the horrific hole in my heart that seeing him is going to open wide up again. So on top of everything else, I'm furious with myself for having a little tiny part of me that looks forward to that time with dread. I should not dread talking to my husband. But a part of me does. And it SUCKS.

Nights like tonight make me feel like I was NOT cut out for this. I think of how much time is left before I get to hold him, and I feel dizzy. I want to curl up into a ball and refuse to face the world until he comes home. It reminds of the ignorant people who say, "I don't know how you do it! I know I couldn't." I want to scream at them, "I don't have a choice!" I am madly in love with my husband, and this is the life that gives us the means to be married and have a good life. Every day that he's away, I have two choices: I can collapse in despair, and give up on living, or I can get up, get dressed, and face the day with as much courage as I can, putting one foot in front of the other no matter how bad it hurts. I'm not some superwoman, that I can just wave goodbye to the love of my life, my other half, and live happily ever after until the ship comes back. And it's not as if he's gone for a few months and it gets just too hard, and I can say, "Oh, I didn't realize how hard this would be. I can't do this..." and leave him. How does it happen that you can love someone until they aren't there for too long, and then you just aren't cut out for long distance? Is that what people imagine when they say they couldn't do it? Really? How selfish and shallow. Maybe there are women out there who are made for this sort of thing, who don't need their husband present for their marriage to be fulfilling and meaningful and completely satisfying. I'm not one of them. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, I am NOT cut out for this life: I do not thrive while he is away. That doesn't mean I can't do it. That doesn't mean I'm not being a good wife, and it doesn't mean that I'm weak. I don't even know how I measure up on the scale of how well I'm coping with this whole deployment thing. But I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do. All I can do tonight is cry, and hope that I can get it all out so that Alex doesn't see it tomorrow. I want to be happy to see him and enjoy our time instead of ruining it with tears and misery that neither of us can fix. But it's hard. Oh, this is so hard. It's the cruelest thing, that his absence leaves me desperate for comfort that only he can give. This ache just can't be filled with the love of family or friends... I need his arms, and I can't have them. It's devastating.

Tomorrow is a new day. One foot in front of the other. No matter how awful this all gets, the days are still going to go by. They don't go faster or slower, even if it may feel that way. And he's coming home. Every day that goes by, even the absolutely horrific ones that I don't have the strength to face, is one more day closer to him being home again. So I just have to keep breathing until then. I can keep breathing. In the end it's always that simple, really. I just have to keep breathing.

Ink!

I've had a mixed bag of a week. I feel like I've been up and down and up and down all week, and I'm trying to stay on the positive side of things. I had my first big meltdown over something going on that Alex isn't here to help me through, and that was NOT fun. But I felt like it was a woman's kind of meltdown rather than the overemotional freakouts of adolescence I used to be inclined toward. It was for the most part appropriate for the situation, and what WAS influenced by hormones I recognized and worked through fairly well. Overall it wasn't awful. I've been dreaming of Alex, which makes it hard to wake up in the mornings, but I'm still hanging on.

I wore these in HIGH SCHOOL!

On the flip side, I had a HUGE personal win today. I finally pulled out all the summer shorts that were too tight by the end of last year in the hopes that I wouldn't need to lose TOO much before it gets too hot to wear pants anymore. I've made a rule that I will no longer buy clothes until I am too small to fit in my current clothes, but I've been afraid to see just how long I'd be stuck in pants until I'm back in my size 8 and 10 shorts. As it turns out, I'm already there! I pulled on pair after pair of shorts I haven't worn in almost 2 years to find that one after the other fits perfectly: not one is the least bit snug. In fact, I wore one pair today with a belt so they wouldn't get too lose by the end of the day! I was even proud enough  to take pics. :)


And I figured that while I was having a good day, I'd go ahead and take a good picture of the tattoo that I never made a big reveal of because I felt like I looked too heavy in all the pictures I took of it. Now since I've never posted any pics on FB, I have a feeling that at least half of the people who know me have no idea that I've had a tattoo for 2 years. :P Surprise! Alex has an identical sparrow on his left shoulder facing the opposite way... we're one of those couples. >_< But just because I don't go around plastering it all over the internet (until now) doesn't mean that I'm not in love with my ink. I am. I don't believe you should get a tat unless it's deeply meaningful. And I love everything about my sparrow: the way it happened, what it means, and even the fact that Alex has one too, though it's a little cliche to have matching tattoos.

I always knew I wanted a tattoo, and when I was a teenager I even played around with semi-permanent designs with Bic pen ink and a safety pin *cringe*. Not my best moment. But I've always loved the idea and spent a LONG time trying to figure out what and where. I couldn't decide for the longest time, and told myself that I'd wait until after I was married so that I wouldn't look trashy in a wedding dress. That changed when Alex decided about 4 or 5 months before our wedding that he wanted new ink, and he really wanted to get a sparrow.

Soon that little muffin top will be history!

Now if you know anything about the symbolism in Navy tattoos, or about about birds in general, it makes this particular design (that HE picked out, by the way) especially meaningful. Sparrows are one of natures monogamists. They mate for life, and they represent true love, commitment, and soul mates. In the Navy, sparrows are shared by sailors and their wives as symbols of their relationship. Also in the Navy world, sparrows have become synonymous or interchangeable with swallows, birds known to migrate vast distances only to return to nest in the EXACT same place year after year, generation after generation. Sailors get them as good luck symbols to always return safe home, no matter where in the world they go. Our sparrow has the perfect blend of meaning and of art: the head and body are very sparrow-like, and the tail flows apart in a classic swallow profile. By the time I finished researching the lore and Alex pulled up the concept photo, I was absolutely and 100% sold on the idea to get them together. I added my own personal touch of, "Always come home," mostly because I love script and I didn't want us to be COMPLETELY identical. And that was that. We talked it through and went the next day to do it.

Normally, I'd NOT recommend getting ink less than 24 hours after deciding exactly what and where. I really believe it's the kind of thing you sleep on at least a week. But it felt like I knew all along that it would happen, I was just waiting for the right thing to come along, and I knew it as soon as I saw it and realized where it would go. I've not had one day of regret, and I doubt I will. I'm almost as proud of the placement as I am of the actual design: I managed to find the only good place on my body that was big enough to display it beautifully, won't get awful stretch marks or bloat in awkward ways when I have kids (as long as I don't become obese), won't show in ANY outfit unless it's a 2 piece bathing suit, but isn't anywhere near "trashy" or embarrassing to show off in public if I so choose. I don't think you should get a tattoo if you aren't able to show it or tell people. There's no point altering your body if you're going to be ashamed or embarrassed. But that's different from being wise about your placement. The hard truth is that some people will judge you for having one. And if you are in a professional setting, it can close a lot of doors if you aren't careful. I like being able to control who sees it and when, so that I can avoid the setbacks of narrow-minded or unfair opinions. So I'm very happy with where it is.

Hopefully I'll continue on my way toward my weight loss goals, and I'll be more and more confidant showing it off. But for now, I'm pretty darn pleased at where I am! I just have to keep my chin up and keep moving forward. And maybe it's not a HUGE deal... but I have to say that finally sharing this so publicly is a big step for me. Here's to the little wins! :D